A New Phase of Mother's Day

As your kids get older, Mother's Day celebrations change. Gone are the days of being awakened way too early by ragamuffins with matted hair and sweet morning breath who brandish a tray of overcooked eggs, garden flowers, handmade cards, and then snuggles in bed. They are older now and are busy with life, and college exams, and sleeping in because they were out so late for Prom.

But it's all okay. I get an early morning text from the college girl. I enjoy a coffee date with my eldest. And I hear (eventually) from the other two who wake up after noon, asking for food and not even realizing that their Mom is not at home.

In lieu of tacky jewelry and homemade gifts, I receive a lovely bag of goodies from Stella's market. They know their Mama... a hydrangea, a bottle of wine, a gorgeous tea towel, and a sweet treat, along with this card that makes me LOL.

I revel in who they are now. Two fiercely independent young women - one of whom is an entrepreneur and building her own business and another who just snagged her dream job in her dream city. And two ridiculously sweet, smart, empathetic and sloppy young men who respect their Mom and indulge her hugs and kisses when they'd really rather not.

It's a new phase of Mother's Day-ness. Will be interesting to see how things change in the coming years as more of the chicks leave the nest. XOX to my life's greatest accomplishments.

Dreaming of Daddy

I was in a happy place. Somewhere warm and balmy. With friends. It was a party. Maybe by a pool? A warm summer night. The stars were so clear. There was music and dancing and carousing. There were lights and lots of people. I was wearing a swimsuit with a swingy cover-up, flip-flops, carrying a beer and feeling so happy.

We were all walking along, somewhere, no idea where, and I turned and looked over my right shoulder. There he was. My Dad. Wearing his ubiquitous khakis, white walking shoes, "that stripey shirt," and his USS Guam hat. I was a bit surprised to see him - you know, since he's passed and all. He simply said "It feels so good to walk." Even in my dream, my heart was soaring. I felt such joy because Daddy hadn't walked on his own in probably 10 years.

He plodded along right next to me. I grabbed his hand. It was warm and as strong as ever. I always adored his hands. I traced his veins with my finger. I got the feeling that we had a longer conversation but all I recall him saying is "I don't know what I'd do without you, Beth. I couldn't live without you." To which I responded "I love you so, so much Daddy," and wrapped my arm through his and rested my head on his shoulder.

We walked along silently for a bit. He smelled good. He smelled like "healthy Dad." He felt good. He felt like "strong Dad." I felt peace. And then I woke up and thought, WTF was that?! I laughed a bit and then went back to sleep.

I've often heard of signs and dreams people receive/have after loved ones have passed. I have wondered if they are actual signs from beyond, or if we "encourage" ourselves to find or force them for our own comfort. Or to answer unanswered questions. Or tend to whatever we need. Or just pure and simple coincidence. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't really matter. Cuz I got to walk and talk with my Daddy last night, on a warm summer night, hold his hand, and look at the stars. <3

I was mean to Mama today

I was mean to Mama today. I didn’t mean to be. I didn’t want to be. I guess we all have our limits but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Anyone who knows my Mama knows she is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle soul. Snapping at her tonight was the equivalent kicking a puppy...hurting someone who can’t help it and depends on you to take care of them.

The simplest of tasks confound her now. Any change completely stresses her out. Such was the case when her flip phone (circa 2007) finally pooped out. We went on Saturday to purchase a new one. Turns out the store had only one flip style phone available. As luck would have it, it was IDENTICAL to the one that just died. The customer service rep was awesome and transferred all the info, contacts, etc. Truly, she only calls three people - me and my two brothers; still, she is having a very hard time using it.

I have received no fewer than thirty phone calls in 5 days telling me she cannot use it. Yet, she's calling me from her phone...to tell me she cannot use it. Sigh.

She begs me to come to Winchester to help her with it. I tell her I was just there and cannot come for awhile. I tell her it's the same phone. She says it's not. I say, no...it really is. She insists it's not. So I very curtly say "OK." I cannot speak anymore. She knows I'm upset. She apologizes and very quickly ends the call, and I hang my head and cry.

I wish I could take it back but I'll just try to learn from it. Life is difficult sometimes. Loving someone with Alzheimer's is hard. I'll try to forgive myself and move on, and be a better daughter tomorrow. 

While she likely won't even remember the conversation, I certainly will. 

Parental Haiku

Her mind is fleeting

His body has betrayed him

I miss my parents

23/365 - PATRIOT

I had always been one to stay within my comfort zone - afraid to step into unchartered territories, for fear of failure. That all changed a few years ago when I ran for (and won) an elected office. It is unlike anything I ever thought I'd do, and has paid off massive dividends for my school division and for my personal growth.

The single most intimidating thing for me was engaging with my elected officials to advocate for public education. After settling into my new role, I realized "Well, they're just regular folk like me" (for the most part).

I put myself out there and advocated hard at both the state and federal levels, and have gained great insight into the legislative process. Generally, it's a "banging your head against a brick wall" process, but there are also pockets of true reverence and positive intent. Now, I actually enjoy my time at the Capitol. I'm educated on the issues. I advocate passionately. And I engage in meaningful conversations. Today was top-notch!

You know you're doing something right when THEY ask YOU for a favor...

22/365 - REDEYE

On the surface, a redeye flight sounds like a great idea. It's the ultimate, frugal-loving, multi-tasking opportunity. You get to extend your trip, you don't have to pay for a hotel, you get to sleep as you travel, etc.

The problem is this...I can't sleep on a plane. I have to be horizontal to sleep well. The two inch reclining chair is bullshit. I can do a little neck-bobbing nappy, but don't get any substantial sleep.

Perhaps I was over ambitious in planning to squeeze out extra time on my adventure weekend. I knew that the redeye would put me in RVA just in time to attend an important education conference.

It's all good - change clothes in the bathroom, put on a little face powder, and poof - I'm a public education advocate.

This is my "don't mess with me" face. Redeye or not...

21/365 - INSPIRATION

As my weekend draws to a close, I look back on all that I've done and learned. A highlight of the trip was the Inspiration Trail hike in the rain with a group of pretty special people. The hike in was very chatty. The hike out was completely silent. Loved that. Quiet. With my thoughts.

I continue to be amazed at the different topography. Soaring red rocks. Deep canyons. It pleased me to no end that I was able to experience it, even if I had to do so in this attractive blue poncho.

Besides the obvious camaraderie and fun I have on these adventures, the biggest payoff is taking on new challenges and completely blowing them away.

The smile on my face says it all...