I was mean to Mama today

I was mean to Mama today. I didn’t mean to be. I didn’t want to be. I guess we all have our limits but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Anyone who knows my Mama knows she is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle soul. Snapping at her tonight was the equivalent kicking a puppy...hurting someone who can’t help it and depends on you to take care of them.

The simplest of tasks confound her now. Any change completely stresses her out. Such was the case when her flip phone (circa 2007) finally pooped out. We went on Saturday to purchase a new one. Turns out the store had only one flip style phone available. As luck would have it, it was IDENTICAL to the one that just died. The customer service rep was awesome and transferred all the info, contacts, etc. Truly, she only calls three people - me and my two brothers; still, she is having a very hard time using it.

I have received no fewer than thirty phone calls in 5 days telling me she cannot use it. Yet, she's calling me from her phone...to tell me she cannot use it. Sigh.

She begs me to come to Winchester to help her with it. I tell her I was just there and cannot come for awhile. I tell her it's the same phone. She says it's not. I say, no...it really is. She insists it's not. So I very curtly say "OK." I cannot speak anymore. She knows I'm upset. She apologizes and very quickly ends the call, and I hang my head and cry.

I wish I could take it back but I'll just try to learn from it. Life is difficult sometimes. Loving someone with Alzheimer's is hard. I'll try to forgive myself and move on, and be a better daughter tomorrow. 

While she likely won't even remember the conversation, I certainly will.